He’s So Resourceful!
In Part One, Having a say, I argued that requesting allows children to influence their surroundings, express preferences, and exercise some control over what happens next.
Yet I suspect that, for both conceptual and practical reasons, requesting sometimes receives less attention in language intervention than it deserves.
Here are a few possible explanations.
A word is a word. Or is it?
Imagine encountering the word balayage in a magazine, learning what it means, and then walking into a hair salon to ask for it.
For adults, moving a newly learned word from understanding to requesting may seem almost effortless. We tend to assume it works this way for children, too.
But the transfer between communicative functions is not guaranteed.
Different environmental conditions underlie naming an object and requesting it. A child who says “cookie” when shown a picture may still struggle to use the same word when they want a cookie.
Knowing a word doesn’t necessarily mean knowing how to use it to get something done.
Sound familiar? We’re back to But he knows the word!
But he already gets what he wants!
Some children are remarkably resourceful at getting their needs met without spoken language. They point, reach, gesture, lead an adult by the hand, or simply retrieve what they want.
These are valid and often effective ways of communicating, and independence deserves credit.
So why teach additional forms of requesting?
Because successfully obtaining something is not necessarily the same as having a flexible communicative repertoire. A child who gets what they want at home may still struggle to communicate a specific request to someone unfamiliar with their preferences.
Words should add to the child’s options, not replace gestures that already work.
And there may be another, less explicit assumption at work.
Isn’t communication supposed to be social?
Requesting can look rather self-serving. The child wants something, communicates that desire, and expects another person to act.
But is that all we want communication to be about?
We naturally place great value on sharing experiences, commenting, and joint attention. Communication, after all, is not simply a tool for getting things from people.
Still, perhaps our enthusiasm for these social functions sometimes leads us to give less attention to the more instrumental ones.
Yet a request is also an interpersonal act. It involves turning to another person as someone who can help us accomplish something.
The trouble with making things too comfortable
As caregivers, we work hard to create supportive environments. We know what children enjoy, what frustrates them, and how to make their days run smoothly.
If a child loves mashed potatoes, we serve a generous helping. If they enjoy the swing, we keep pushing. If they struggle to open a container, we open it before frustration sets in.
And when a child has communication difficulties, anticipating needs can feel especially important. An unmet need or an unexpected disruption may sometimes lead to challenging behavior. At other times, the child may simply lose interest and withdraw from the interaction.
Who wants either outcome?
But sometimes, in our efforts to make life easier for a child, we inadvertently make communication less necessary.
Teaching requests requires opportunities in which the child wants something that hasn’t already been provided.
That may mean pausing an enjoyable activity, offering a smaller initial portion, or leaving a manageable problem unsolved long enough for the child to initiate communication.
This doesn’t mean creating distress, withholding essential needs, or turning every enjoyable moment into a test. It means creating real reasons to communicate, while respecting the child’s comfort and autonomy.
For further discussions about the complexity of teaching request see Part Three: Today’s favorite is tomorrow’s old news